Have I Really Forgiven?
Forgiveness is a widely discussed topic, yet after years of studying the Word, searching scripture on forgiveness, meditating on examples in the Bible, reading countless books, and listening to numerous sermons, I realized that I hadn’t truly forgiven or released many people from my heart. That’s why I felt compelled to write this article—to share my journey and insights on what genuine forgiveness looks like. In my mind, I thought I had, but the Holy Spirit showed me there was so much more. As I yielded to the Holy Spirit and asked Him to reveal those I still needed to forgive, He showed me specific events where I had held onto unforgiveness, hurt, pain, offense, or fear. Often, I needed to forgive myself. When we ask God for forgiveness, He does it without hesitation, yet we frequently struggle to release ourselves from guilt, shame, and other negative emotions. It’s almost like we tell ourselves we need to suffer for what we did, but Jesus took all condemnation on the cross, so we don’t have to carry it.
As I pursued a deeper understanding of forgiveness, I experienced more significant healing and the disappearance of old triggers. Things that would have hurt me in the past no longer affect me the same way. When similar situations arise now, I feel no negative emotions. I can’t even begin to describe how freeing this is. Jesus calls us to live unoffended; when we do, the angels rejoice because they love seeing us overcome! Often, I visualize a duck floating calmly in the water during the rain, unaffected, and the water just rolling off as if nothing were happening. Imagine if we could let every offense or hurt simply roll off, just like that. Not only would we remain in peace, but each time, we’d also bring glory to our Father. What a victory that would be!
We know we are called to forgive, but sometimes it’s not easy, especially if it was a deep wound from physical or emotional abuse. We know our King Jesus knows what it feels like. He was abused, spit on, mocked, humiliated, rejected, beaten beyond recognition, and He was sinless with no spot or blemish. When He was dying on the cross, suffering in agony, He wanted the two next to him to be with him in heaven; no one displayed the power of forgiveness as Jesus did. He showed us that it was possible no matter what the situation was. God cares for us and knows how difficult it can be, especially if the wound is deep. The Holy Spirit is our Helper, Counselor, and Friend. He is with us to help and encourage us to forgive.
Sometimes, we think making excuses for someone will make forgiving easier, but that doesn’t work. Burying our emotions or hoping time will heal the wound won’t work either. It only leads to bitterness, and eventually, that bitterness will surface. Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and through it, many become defiled." The King James Version, Mark 11:25, says, “And when ye stand, praying to forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven, forgive you your trespasses.” King James is the only version I know of that uses the word ought. If you have hurtful or painful emotions when the memory comes up, that’s ought. These soul wounds reveal we need to forgive and ask the Holy Spirit to take the ought. If we don’t, the devil will use those soul wounds to attack us with negative thoughts about the person, destroy other relationships and health, steal our blessings, and keep us from experiencing peace. We won’t have the intimacy we want with Father God. Matthew 18 tells us to forgive from the heart. We have to engage our hearts when we forgive.
Many of us have had to forgive physical and mental abuse, betrayals, disappointments, rejection, and more. Most likely, it’s happened multiple times. We also know from scripture that the enemy uses people to hurt us. All he needs is a willing vessel. It’s hard sometimes not to be angry at the person, but it’s the enemy working through that person and working through their pain, their wounding, and what was done to them. This is why it’s so essential for us to uproot and partner with God for our healing so the enemy can’t use us to hurt someone and leave emotional scars. It’s been easier for me to forgive when I know the enemy is the real culprit. The enemy knows if he can get us offended and into unforgiveness, he can cause all kinds of problems in our lives. Every time we forgive, there is a celebration in heaven because it opens the door for God to do something miraculous in the person’s life, which I will get into later in this teaching. When we forgive, Jesus knows it’s difficult, understands it, and has compassion for us. He knows it hurts, and he wants to take it from us. All we need to do is release it into his loving hands. He knows what it did to our hearts, but I know possibly everyone reading this loves Him, so we do it for Him. In return, He blesses us for our obedience, which frees us emotionally and physically. It takes faith and trust in God to release the person to Him. Essentially, it’s allowing the other person’s sin to remain between them and God. When someone sins against us, they are sinning against Christ. In Acts 9, it says, “Then Paul fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me? Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked. “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting; now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.” Paul immediately obeyed Christ. Did you ever ask yourself why he obeyed so willingly? Why didn’t he question what he heard or argue with Jesus? He didn’t know Jesus. As we know from scripture, Paul was prideful and arrogant and thought he was doing the right thing by killing Christians, and he had a lot of support and agreement from other Jews.
I want to share a revelation I got about this scripture when I was writing about forgiveness. Paul’s conversion was probably the most significant turnaround in history. It was made possible not just by God’s grace but also by Stephen’s forgiveness. While being stoned, Acts 7:60 tells us, “He fell on his knees and cried out, Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” This is similar to what Jesus said when dying on the cross. This shows Stephen’s complete surrender, trust, obedience, and love for the Lord. He yielded himself entirely to God and Jesus’s example on the cross. He asked God to have mercy on these ruthless men. He was at the highest spiritual level. He did something most of us would think would be impossible. Imagine hurling stones from men who are probably using all their strength to throw them. Just reading the story about Stephen brought tears to my eyes. What an act of love and an example of a man who did what Jesus taught. What a difference from what we read throughout scripture about the Pharisees. We never see their humility, kindness, love, and long-suffering. They even rebuked Jesus for healing people on the Sabbath. When Stephen said, “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.” God answered Stephen’s prayer and used it to touch the heart of Paul, who energetically agreed with his stoning - even though Paul didn’t know the prayer was being answered. When we get to heaven, we should thank Stephen for every blessing brought through the ministry of Saul of Tarsus. God heard Stephen’s prayer, and Paul is the evidence of it. We have no idea how greatly God can use us in our times of suffering.
If Stephen had not prayed, the church would not have had Paul. If God had not chosen to ignore it, Saul would have died, and everything we read today in the New Testament would be different. Yes, God would have found someone else, but Saul was God’s first choice for good reasons; would you want His second choice writing so much of the Bible? And what if Stephen had died in some other way? I believe the extraordinary act of Stephen asking God to forgive these murders convicted Paul and prepared his heart for the Damascus Road conversion. If Stephen died in anything other than stoic silence, that could have been used to criticize him. What if Stephen had cried out, “How could you let this happen to me, God”?
At that moment, Stephen probably had no idea that one act would make history and millions of people would be reading about it. He knew, via Jesus’ example, that God wants us to forgive, always, and so he did. This one act shaped the entire history of Christianity. The Bible tells us we will be persecuted, not if but we will. How we respond in a situation could further or hinder the gospel from going forth in people’s lives. I’m not suggesting we will ever have the chance to do something of that magnitude. However, if we are full of unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment, we might do harm that we can’t foresee, and if we are full of forgiveness, we might create benefits that we can’t imagine. One other thing that I think is important to mention is when Stephen asked God to forgive them, and “he cried out, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.”
Stephen said in Acts 7:59, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60 Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.
God took him to heaven after he prayed. God could have allowed him to suffer for a long time, but he didn’t. I believe that’s because Stephen forgave them.
When I was about to write this blog, the Holy Spirit led me to Job 42:10: “And the Lord restored Job’s losses when he prayed for his friends. Indeed, the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.”
When Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored Job’s fortune. It appears that the condition for Job’s friends to be restored to God was Job’s forgiving intercession for them, and the condition for God’s restoring Job’s fortunes was the same. God would not accept the repentant prayers of these three friends. They had to get Job to pray for them. God would hear Job’s prayers, not theirs. God tells us to pray for our enemies. Two thoughts come to mind. All of Job’s friends had a pride problem. They were speaking for God, thinking they knew why Job was suffering and were wrong. They didn’t go to God to get that information; they devised it independently. They lacked compassion—the very quality Jesus embodied—and their actions resembled those of the Pharisees. Also, Job needed forgiveness, and he also needed to forgive. I think this was the final test from God before He abundantly blessed Job. If we hold onto unforgiveness, we could be blocking the tremendous blessings God has for us.
Job's friends had a pride problem, which God took care of by telling them to go to Job and ask him to pray for them. I am sure that was very humbling. Second, God was testing Job’s heart. Could he forgive and be interested in his friends? Could he lay down the bitterness, the betrayal, the painful emotions? God is a big God who can move on our behalf in ways we never imagined, but He won’t do that if we hold on to grudges and unforgiveness. Not only did God restore Job’s wealth, but He restored his friendships.
Forgiveness is not saying that sin doesn’t matter. It is not approving the other person's actions, minimizing the offense, or denying we have been wronged. When we forgive, there can’t be any strings attached. We can’t say, “I will forgive if they apologize, admit what they did wrong if there is restitution.” There may never be any acknowledgment that they caused you harm. Rarely have I received an apology for the hurtful things done to me. However, by surrendering my right to hold onto these offenses, I place them in Jesus’ hands. Each time I forgive, my heart becomes a little more like His.
The apostle Paul writes, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32. If God in Christ forgave us, then forgiving someone cannot mean diminishing the wrong they’ve done. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation or restoration. It does not require restoring trust or inviting the people who hurt us back into a relationship. Forgiveness is unconditional, but meaningful reconciliation and restoration are conditional in the gospel and human relationships. The offender must show genuine repentance and a humble willingness to accept the consequences of their actions, and both parties need a shared desire to rebuild the relationship. It also struck me deeply that Jesus never received an apology for the betrayals he endured from His closest friends.
When Jesus was on the cross, no one said, “I am so sorry I did this to you.” He said, “Father, forgive them.”
Forgiving people also doesn’t mean they won’t experience consequences for their sins. When we forgive them, however, we leave those consequences to God, who says, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay.” When people don’t repent and aren’t sorry for their sins, the Bible tells us we sow what we reap. Even if God did nothing, the law of sowing and reaping applies. We want to forgive and reap mercy, grace, peace of mind, healing, joy, and God’s favor.
1 Peter 5:9 tells us, “To resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren in the world.” When we apply this scripture to experiences like wounds, betrayals, and afflictions, we can take comfort in knowing that others around the world have endured similar struggles.
As Matthew 5:10-12 says: "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.” Rejoice and be exceedingly glad; great is your reward in heaven, for they persecuted the prophets before you."
Last week, I attended the Back to Jerusalem conference, a ministry focused on the persecuted church. I listened to two men share their powerful stories of forgiveness, which profoundly impacted me. Brother Yun, the author of The Heavenly Man, and Brother Peter Xu, known as the “Billy Graham of China.” Peter Xu’s church was estimated to have about 20 million members before he left China 24 years ago, and he trained over 100,000 evangelists and led 20 million Chinese people to faith in Jesus. Their close friendship endures, strengthened by a shared journey of unimaginable hardship and unshakable faith.
They recounted their stories, detailing multiple arrests, years spent in brutal prisons, and the torture they endured for their faith. Brother Peter described how guards practiced Kung Fu on him, sending in more attackers when he showed signs of resilience. In one instance, they hung him in a crucifix position, his feet barely touching the ground, for four hours. He said he felt compassion for these merciless men while hanging there. He said, “Why do they do this to me? It’s because they don’t know God.” He was beaten so severely he lost the ability to speak. In the silence, a voice whispered, urging him to tell his captors what they wanted to hear, yet he held to his faith. Incredibly, he felt compassion for the men who inflicted such suffering.
Brother Yun, too, endured incomprehensible pain, having every bone in his body broken, yet both men carried no bitterness, no resentment, no unforgiveness. Brother Peter said Yun remained positive and he would tell him we are being tortured every day. Can you lower your enthusiasm? When guards would lead them to execution sites to intimidate them into renouncing Jesus, Brother Peter would simply pray, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Listening to them felt like hearing the disciples' voices from the Bible. Their faith was awe-inspiring, but their forgiveness and compassion deeply touched me. These men live the gospel with purity and strength that few of us may ever experience, and their lives are a testament to the boundless love and grace of Jesus Christ.
I have another story about forgiveness that touched me. It was on all the news outlets all over the world. After hearing it, I remember thinking, "Wow, this is powerful, and this man’s love glorifies God.” I am sure many believers were able to forgive after hearing it. I pray the Lord speaks to you as I share these with you.
Mar Mari, a pastor in Australia, was stabbed recently while he was preaching by a 16-year-old boy. It was videoed and posted all over the internet. He was part of a terror cell of teenage boys called Soldiers of Allah. Two weeks after Mar Mari was stabbed, he was preaching again.
He said, this young man who did this act almost two weeks ago, I tell you, my dear, you are my son, and you will always be my son. I love you, and Jesus loves you. I forgive you. This is our Christian faith, but above all, Christ has always taught us to love one another because God is love, and the Lord Jesus, He is God, revealed in the flesh, period. He taught us to love everyone without any discrimination. This will never change. After I saw the violent video and heard Mar Mari’s message to the boy only two weeks later, it deeply touched me. It is a worldwide testimony that millions saw showing the love of Jesus and an example of what is possible only through knowing our Lord intimately. I am sure many people felt convicted for holding onto offenses that didn’t compare to this. I also know many people were able to forgive when they weren’t able to before. [1]
You show kindness towards the person. Wouldn’t Jesus do that? The scripture that comes to mind is Proverbs 25:21-22 “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” In addition to your healing, you are getting training in the Lord Jesus.
I wanted to share a testimony from a ministry I am part of. They have you write down everyone you need to forgive, including yourself, and read Matthew 5:44, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,” and Mark 11:25, “And when ye stand, praying to forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven, forgive you your trespasses.” You read it repeatedly until you feel you have released the person and the ought.
A woman was sharing her testimony on forgiveness. She had stage four cancer. She had 60 people on her list to forgive. I could tell she went through a lot of physical and mental abuse by what she shared. She read the scriptures over and over but felt no release. She said, “God, I can’t do this verse again; there is no way.” She heard the Holy Spirit convict her. He said, “You must go forward. You have no choice but to keep repeating these verses because your back is up against the wall, and you have a serious medical diagnosis that could potentially take your life.” She said, “ok, Lord.” She repeated it 40 times, 50 times, and she continued, and when she hit 60 times, she started sobbing and got the realization about them. She said, “No wonder you were so abusive to me because you didn’t have Jesus, and you were so abused, hurt, and manipulated.” The truth is that hurt people hurt people. She said the verse until the hardness in her heart cracked. The Old Testament says, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemies.” Jesus upped the ante because of the heart condition. When we forgive, we get healing, and the Lord goes to work for the person we are praying for. The most important thing is that you bring salvation to them, just like in the story of Paul’s conversion. Whatever they did, the most important thing is their salvation. If Jesus can be dying on that cross in increasing agony and pain while pouring out love and forgiveness, and you can do that, (new sentence) who am I to hold onto it? In addition to your healing, you are getting training on how to respond to things by Jesus. She was healed of stage four cancer after she forgave.
Believe it or not, choosing to forgive those who have hurt you can be a bridge for people to experience God’s love and forgiveness. God desires to reach those around you, and releasing forgiveness can be a steppingstone for a lost son or daughter to experience God's mercy. Ultimately, forgiveness benefits you the most. By making this small choice, you can experience God’s peace, joy, and freedom in a way you didn’t know was possible. You are released from what had taken you captive if you release unforgiveness.
Some of you may have hurt, betrayed, or even abused someone, but we must extend that forgiveness to ourselves just as God calls us to forgive others. It may not look exactly like what has been done to us, yet holding onto unforgiveness toward ourselves can be just as damaging as withholding forgiveness from others. God tells us that when we ask for forgiveness, He remembers our sins no more. If you feel guilt, shame, or self-hatred, ask God for forgiveness and invite the Holy Spirit to remove these burdens. Holding onto them is a sin because God has promised that if we ask for forgiveness, He is faithful to forgive. By clinging to these feelings, we are telling Him that His forgiveness is not enough and that we must somehow pay for our sins.
Imagine if Paul had held onto all the shame and guilt for what he did to Christians—he would have been useless to God. Paul understood the mercy of God more than anyone, and he received it in faith. Philippians 3:13-14 says, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Wow, did Paul live out this scripture!
How can you tell if you still are holding onto unforgiveness? Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
If the person needed help and you had the ability, would you?
Would you avoid them if you walked into a room and the person was there?
Do you talk about what the person did to others?
Do you want others to know what they did to you?
Do you keep a record of the wrong they did to you by feeling hurt anytime you think about what was done to you? You can remember the offense, but the pain associated with the memory is gone.
Do you still see the person in a negative light?
Do you want them to fail?
Signs you have forgiven:
You don’t publicly share what the person did to anyone who will listen. You will need to talk to a few trusted friends and possibly a pastor, but you intend to forgive, not share what they did to make them look bad or get people to agree. If you desire to grow to be forgiving, always watch what information you share and who you share personal information with.
When you think of the person, there is no emotion.
You don’t rehearse what they did over and over in your mind.
You can pray for them.
You want the best for them.
· With God’s grace – I will not allow bitterness to take hold of me.
· With God’s grace – I forgive others the way Christ forgives me.
· With God’s grace – I forgive my past sins and mistakes.
· With God’s grace – I’m pulling up every root of bitterness growing in my heart.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you and leads me along the path of everlasting life.” Psalm 139:23-24.
As believers, we must remember that God commands us to love because we were first loved (1 John 4:19). He also commands us to forgive. The forgiveness we have received from Him can be forfeited if we choose not to do the same in return. We see this in Matthew's story about what happens to the Unmerciful Servant. He was sent to be tortured until he could repay a debt he could never repay.
I want to share a way to forgive from the heart I learned from my dear pastor and his wife at Kingdom Life Church in Fort Mill, SC. We don’t want any barriers between God and us. If we say, “It’s hard,” we are not doing it from the heart. Put your hand on your belly where the Spirit man is. Close your eyes; we honor God when we close our eyes and think of someone who has wounded us in the past. Open your heart, yield to Jesus, and put your hand on your belly. You are welcome in this tabernacle, Jesus; I welcome you to search me. Don’t try to pick a person or situation. Let the Holy Spirit show you. A memory may come up from when you were young, and you forgot about it. You want to feel the feelings; this is important. What is the emotion you feel in your gut? It could be sadness, grief, anger, etc. It doesn’t matter if you get the right words; it’s the feeling. “I let Jesus the forgiver in me forgive together. Jesus, the forgiver in me, goes to it and through it and takes it away. I receive forgiveness for taking those emotions in. I release forgiveness to (say the person’s name).
Yield to Christ the forgiver within and allow a river of forgiveness to flow from the belly until the emotion changes to peace. If you have released the person, you will feel peace, and when you picture them, you will feel peace. If you have peace, a natural exchange has taken will take place. It’s permanently gone. After forgiving and getting peace, if there is a lie, renounce that lie out loud. Next, ask the Lord to replace that lie with the truth. He may give you a scripture or words to replace it, such as “I am accepted, not rejected. I am the apple of my Father’s eye and highly favored.” If there is an unmet emotional need, forgive, let go of any demands, and allow Christ within to fill you completely.
John 7:38 says, “Whoever believes in Me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” Forgiveness is a love offering to God. When they pierced Jesus’ side on the cross, water came out. Before that, He said in Luke 23:24, “Forgive them they do not know what they are doing.” He took our sins and released forgiveness.
I pray this blesses you. I want to say a quick prayer for you. Father, I pray you give my brothers and sisters a heart of forgiveness. Let your love and forgiveness permeate through their heart and soul. Allow them to feel Your abounding love for them. Help them release painful emotions and replace them with Your love, grace, and mercy. Give them strength to overcome any situation, responding with the love of Christ, making the enemy their footstool with their testimony. Please help them be long-suffering, knowing a great reward in heaven awaits them. Pour your healing balm, Jesus, over their minds, emotions, souls, and hearts. Let them feel a river of living water throughout their body. Thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice and amazing example of love. In your precious name, Amen.
In Christ,
Nicole Nieman
[1] Bishop Mar Mari's surprise words at the first mass since the stabbing attack
